this one's almost done

this one's almost done, and what do we know? free food, free heat. plan of attack. text message and a present, a roasted fish. cant sleep, cant eat. just slip and fall. at the heart of it all. at the centre of the storm. limited activities (watching fireworks/watching films/watching people live) and feeding feeding. it that all there is? NOOO

did some work

your notice served

is it starting to show?
bitter cold
a year or so,
a jibbering mess, tugging at sweater
twitching the eye, deepening creases
i couldnt believe you existed... but was strangely reminded of my junkie friend.. perhaps a distant relative. self proclaimed woman on her own, struggling. i listened to tales of your cleaning, your illness, your neighbour, the man you watched from your window, the many glasses of rose, your gagging, your dinner, you're upset, you're tired; woke up at 2am and couldnt sleep again. your weekend was bad, you wore 2 pairs of socks, you bought a new bed and some taps too. you invited me for dinner, we went for some drinks.. never worked out with us really. i moved away from the admin room, you told on me for wasting time.
stopped eating the snacks that made you fat, some new clothes and haircut ready for the new place. will it make you happy? people come and go, i have a feeling this memory will stick.

keep going

i gave them teeth. and a bread belly.

spaced and caked in useless words, eyelashes stuck together but laser beams bolted through. a robot machinist caged a pink soft form. he stuck a dead head onto my own.

i roamed around with this bloody head, unable to see. it had been chopped just for me.

so at last dragging chains up the hill, looking at bare branches and making up trails of line. no eyes without line. took off the head finally.

tis the season for glare headaches, for dehydration, for sugar and quitting. a bodily thinning rendered impossible. even the smell of it is pure lactose.

silly little one, what are you trying to do? just give up.

let them go.

they might come back.

each scene is etched in, with words and everything. i'll never forget, i've got alot.

old man opens a gate, young man walks in.

pink soft form grows softer but at least its thin. desert desert calling, space.

fresh from the head

overweight, blonde and bragging. inclined to eavesdrop, one cannot blame. first impressions count...until proven otherwise (delight). a friendly caste system, very PC, but i aint better- dont worry. 3pm dimming, resignation handed in. all done. he was right about the bike theory, the cycle ride vanishes once you get going, never divert. never did.

he used to try and kiss her on the lips when the night was done. imagine the shame of an MD. after a few of those, she avoided the situation. one time when she was one of the lads she got drunk and did something bad. now she's quit booze and no one knows why.

toy hedgehogs, plastic bags, heart sunglasses, nasal cannulas. a good little slave says yes and only yes.

at work

gone quiet

its all gone rather quiet.
cement dried on shoelaces, put us in our places.
another mircowave meal perfuming the air
its all a bit tasteless out there
finger showing bone and right hand numb
i think ive forgotten everyone.

crazy dreams

some kind of schooling institution smoking area. hannah was thin and had aged. she said something crazy to the boy at her door who kept coming back for more. she said she would kill me if i dared to step in. i sat outside fearing for my mortality. all else were unaware playing bang bang. brown doors, smells of antibacterial spray... whispers i knew, they were hiding something. she was the dragon i thought she was, and now i could really see it. green hair trailing down, fangs appeared where pretty teeth had been.. still, she had one fan.

whatthefuk

abismal, sometimes it happens. going gross. stale ryvita sucking the moisture out of mouths. speech dry as a duck. entertainment filtered to the consumer. yellow vision, the letters starting to blur as the hand ticks, moving closer to the place i want it. everyone disappears, following their dreams to a cosy hole, smugly staying til fat and eventually dead. i see the signs, as they all enjoy playing grown up, not realising that no one ever really does. we're all just pretending. its essential for survial in this construct. shouldnt be so immature should i? must be missing something. planning ferociously, making up time. bandaging relationships, cutting ties. another van speaks as it reverses. thanks for the warning.

water off a duck's back. something isnt working.

routes

"George Bernard Shaw said, 'It is better for a parent to be a horrible warning than a good example.' Not infrequently I see myself going in a certain direction, and I say, 'Hang on, that's like your mother, pull back.'"

polymers are forever

This is one of the saddest sights.

strange land

day 366 in strangelands. no wisdom. just plots to escape.
when eyes are shut there is not darkness.
there is a sailing boat and lots of arms reaching towards. lots of stars. open/close
the escape route becomes blocked and millions panic. 'so how often do you go running'?
the stuttering man calls again, poor thing. try and make it easier.
fred west is pruning the hedges, glaring. maybe cos i dont say hello? how the hell should i know. just water everything down.
'i go three times a week so the novelty doesnt wear off'.
back to the sandwiches. and a fine selection there is.
send them away with a bag of pills and a pacemaker, too sick to eat, too thin to move.
its been one year. i have drowned it out with sound.

suspect

war zone

I ate in such an exquisite place, alone and gluttonous. 3 courses and too much butter chocolate. Looked outside and saw the whole city in a cloud of black. It was London 2011. my friends were inside. My sister. I had greedily ignored, what was happening!!!? The waitresses didn’t say a thing. I went outside and you were there, mysteriously flown into the grey to do some shopping. In this CHAOS???>>> Why didn’t anyone react? Was I worried for no reason? A reflection of my anxiety, ruining my mind while the world moves on. It was quite beautiful, like watching a silent movie with silver textures, historic smoke, still scenes of mortality. Its not happening.

got shot

Extract from "The Times" - Times 15 February 1974

Carrot juice diet killed scientist

A health food addict who had been drinking up to eight pints of carrot juice a day was bright yellow when he died, an inquest at Croydon. Surrey, was told yesterday. Dr John Fabricius said he believed Mr Basil Brown' aged 48, a scientific adviser, had died of vitamin A poisoning.
Mrs Brenda Brown, of Hayes Lane, Kenley, the dead man's wife, told Dr Mary McHugh, the coroner, that she had prepared the carrot juice. "Nobody pre- scribed it. He just thought it was the right way to cat. He also took vitamin A tablets."

A typical day's diet for her husband was: breakfast, carrot juice and fruit ; midday, more carrot Juice and fruit; evening meal, eggs, tomatoes, cheese. Dr J. Fabricius, the family's doctor, told the coroner that he had warned Mr Brown against his addiction to vitamin A. He had warned Mr Brown to stop taking vitamin A and had later sent him to a specialist who also warned him.
Mr Brown had been '"an intelligent man but he had a very low opinion of doctors ". Dr David Haler, a pathologist, said that Mr Brown was bright yellow when he died. Vitamin A poisoning, like alcoholic poisoning, produced cirrhosis of the liver. The inquest found that Mr Brown had died from carrot juice addiction

there there

itch

im a peak and a trough.
come to nothing
brighter
old little flat cap
smile
silky sludge
euphoric dream
bag full of seeds and lime green
city speaking
talk about increasing
mark the letter with my name
at home
at war
left the place i was before
left the chinese takeaways
left the chinese burn
old little man
taking a turn
take my ears, not my words
you dont care for those.

neon

when.
like a vicious thorn spiked into my town. disguised as a bearer of goodwill descended into settlement. trauma unravelled, they never got over it, didnt want to. moved to tears when, after many cancellations, they appeared like a tart in pink tights, out from the dark. i thought they wouldnt show. you'd been at it for a while i could see, and now it was my turn to listen. . when. i started to see through. suddenly they've all joined in, im an old lady with problems, didnt see the signs.
we went through an evening where it all came out... and then the disappointment. that spikey smile should have been a warning, i sat up at night pouring with no where to run. dress up for the world, god knows its pathetic. my people have gone, to roost. to chirp, to wail. im looking at them sat there, small skull spouting cynically. older, they didnt see the signs. now they can clean till squeaky, rest til rested or watch the sunrise. a beautiful view selfishly savoured, seldom shared. a bowl full of guavas scenting the room reminds me of something else. reminds me of a girl. told me of a warning and i listened, signs neon in my mind.

its our river

we dared to walk out alone, before we got blistered. it was pretty dead out there, the skin was turning a bit black. yet one soul appeared and tailed down the road, in the dirt. intention unclear, and threatening... he eventually flaked off. plastic piles crusted anciently, a small dirty girl led a horse up and down, screaming hello at us as we went past. she was happy to see us. it was our river but they took it away. we were blatant tourists beaming in bright colours, in a place that was born out of a desert. a place where ladies were poured in gowns, fabrics that never seemed to swelter them. a place where men were the almighty, but they behave like the pigs they cant eat. we made it to a safe place, safe enough for chips and coke. the great river was framed in glass, lined by top hotels and business class, savoured for the elite. its fish supplies have dwindled from hundreds to tens, its almost dry. but still boys swim there on really hot days, people bath in deeper africa and it deems one part of the continent luscious, fertile, life giving. it was their civilisation on that earth, with one invasion too many and intelligent souls shipped away. only the proles remained, and so they spawned for generations. we can see the results today, and a terrible attitude. smog so chemical and thick, but still smells of charred spiced animal flesh prevail. it is part of me, and it was lost in the genes. now i know where to find it.

its been a long long long time

from the sky

even though you know what you know
stones from the sky.

full speed

it will be catastrophic. maybe beautiful. it will happen, to us. summers aint what they were, back in a childhood idealic apple tree. death can be ignored. a strong green tea. a strong tree with a branch for my hanging. it will be slow and long. it swings.

transparencies

We build we dig. Dig up. Climb up. Get angry, get mad. Think you can make a change. That our power is strong. Seems like everyone is starting to think the same. Simple chords and repetition. Cycles of sound, pigging out. Keeping an eye on the supply, is it really all communal? What is my contribution? Hard to settle and it keeps coming up. Your imagination has power, it makes trails of bread all around my bed. Your music turned into pop songs that are just cycles of sound. Seems that everything has turned too see-through, like a transparent baby full of tubes. Its embarassing for you to act that way when I can see why. It does nothing but show the worst in you. Now I have a lemon tree and they all stare at me. There's something so sickly about this goodness. Its not original, and maybe not even an instinct. I'll take more sweet things full of fruit, I just don’t mean what I say. Wise guy. Bread and soup and no dairy. Domino dissent and a Friday feeling to boot, sugar coursing through my blood, a small radio sits silently. Ive just made myself feel better and you can too. Maybe it will be alright in the end.

new things

my own home

A schizopherenic climate and a tear. The young ignore the younger. Too many dead wasps collecting on the windowsill, too many heartbeats for this heart. The metabolism weakens. Black and brown. The old faithful familiar feeling of being left behind, 'sorry there's no room', waiting at the gate, anxious minder waiting for you to disappear. Mrs cuthbertson riddled with parkinsons 'go to the wall, go to the wall'. As you spoke the water ran with no abandon but your eyes stayed clear. Scared of me? Take a look. Tell me the truth, I can take it. Tone yourself down. We set off in the warm sickly scented car. I opened a window and breathed in the fumes, you played madonna. At once, stuck in a car line and an awkward silence that we could so fill with great words. But somehow they are too great to leave our heads, and we know what they are anyway. Blood ropes tied us together. You are so changeable. Now the building is glowing with morning light, my glass is frosted with cool. We've got a lot to do, and ive got to go. Serve up this food. My victorian family all civilised with knives and forks. Some of them are dead now, but I get a posthumous glance…leave without saying goodbye. I see you watching me.
We arrived late afternoon, we didn’t say a word. We were on our best behaviour, not in the freedom of our own home.

post world

Your eyes are like mirrors, big mirror plates inside he saw. Black potions of nightmare. Seems everyone has changed round here, except for me (he said). Not true. Now you can drive.
Spun on a raft, with a stick for balance. The whole world was an ocean and now we had to make way. Buildings collapsed into whirlpools and trees sprouted only branches out of flat blue. Slimey fish addiction. A recent birth.
Another truckload of crap arrives, people pour in. Theres not enough space for all. Looting could occur. Fools want to pay, they insist almost. Somehow they've made it a competition, but no one actually cares to play. A news bulletin tells us all we should be wearing flat shoes. In the background an old woman yelps over her son's student loan, whilst yet another set of pain au chocolat appears. They waltz past gracefully for a few good hours pretending not to notice.
The whole world has become a warehouse, ugly and barren except for mountains of stationery which is kind of broken and useless. Some are proud of this fact. Those that arent munch anti psycotics

red letter

I shall not be told. Abandoned. Confessed to a fool. You could not have sounded more dulled out, like all the life was sucked out and you were left forever unsure who you were. In a second I was put in my place. How embarrassing. I stabbed the party, and something that was totally normal became humiliating. Such a pity they looked forward to it.
Staring through glass, checking it all out and making the most of the fringe benefits. This could be you. Thick fog hung over the unexpecting town, radio bleared pseudo upbeatness. We wont make it to work this day. Unable to reach through glass and almost lame to speak, although pounding heart told otherwise, and I made sure it shut up. Don’t go causing me problems again. We've been through this. My very own heart, like a disease.
I sat outside, redundant. We started to talk and I began to enjoy it. How surprising. Damn my judgement. I guess you cant see that to look at me, I would hope anyway. I can hide sinister. I wont make it home this night, I want to stay and discuss your life.
I called you, blood pressure rising. How can that be? My own flesh. Its like you never listened, so conversation became rapid and non-committed. I'll stop at the shop and buy booze later. Suddenly I feel like shovelling powder. I hung up. I wont make it out tonight. Why never answer my questions? Allowed to listen to mainstream garbage. And soon you'll become mini hitler, they promised. They promised silently, I only had to look around to see the results and the world I was about to enter. The induction was over. The glass shattered. I was in.

who am i

i aint great with machines, but in the golden age of nappy rash i barely flinch. ive got this burning bulb inside my head, it makes me jitter and im rocked into planning years ahead. with chilli flakes dipped in, nose runs and with that -the next 5 years have begun.

real drinkers have red apparently. spied daily. i guess i just do it for fun. they aint great with those machines, they look lazy and dumb. man sat with extended arm tool pushing buttons, eating packaged sandwich lunch. preservatives keep us fresh. drinking keeps us sane. rightly poisonous.

so you could imagine my shame at being told what to do....

steal to live

gotta go to work
gotta steal to live
i get paid
im not a kind of slave
you've got to know....you are free
anything is yours, anything at all.

waves crash, dust settles. rusty pipes, car watchers, someone in front seat. repeating these numbers is doing me in. a hunger strike is to take place. iii.
[part 30] move town, look at old one in a better light (?)

meat junkies with RSI, pasty and pale, bruised and tired. its a temporary measure, make no mistake. a childish institution we never seem to escape.
i will leave the country.

numpties

3 day headache subsides.
a beautiful bride
a mouthful of wine
too much paper
too little time

heart pain, back pain, crunching bones. VEGAN. swine?
honeycombe sickness, post sadness, life analysis.
good smells, proud smiles, waste removed.
you said you were leaving.
oil is psychedelic.
must leave to see straight
we dont talk anymore, you forget me, you're disappointed
but you dont know.
its not about you.
whats it about?
whats it really all about??????

relish, mackerel and spoiled rice..post stomp thinking

its been raining.
we saw the day weave in, the night weave in, and again and again. we took chemicals that helped us dance for most of the time. subtle flavours that went barely noticed, bright eyes, wet hair and rumbling bellies. friends from before and friends no more. air waves freedom and smiles. canvas mats on which we sat to talk and talk... talk crap i guess but whatever. overcast, overslept and over and out. maybe a biscuit will help? i had big eyes, i didnt care. big mouth analysed, healthy doses. in silence i can hear my blood flow, the thud of bass, yes hello. DIRECTION. awkward. back here to a withered plant and a grey sky. bass replaced with a working printer, running water cut off. mackerel so tasty. NUTRITIOn. more to life. apples. split ends.
i suppose we are all taking a turn. a brain u-turn. the future comes closer, we must make amends.
but a weekend in a field did it for me. for a few hours in between i felt free.
STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP

and also

three cheers for virginity.

brats

"So there's no fixed lesson that one can learn, because the heart is always opening and closing, it's always softening and hardening. We're always experiencing joy or sadness. But there are lots of people who've closed down. And there are times in one's life when one has to close down just to regroup" -Leonard Cohen

girls v girls, boys v boys cheap competition

tired
go
try
try and find
get lost
and lose
detatch
to protect
get lost, and found
presume
its for my daughter
and my mother
i lost
that one

cut out for it?

trying again...

bloodline.. a matter of time?

Robert went mad. Its in the blood. Its under my eyelids, a photographic image of landscape. And it is sparkles in the picture, I cant tell if I like it or not. Insomnia has arrived, have had to welcome sleepless nights. I thought I was free from anxiety but somehow its crept back in. I keep thinking of the man who stops the lamb's heart with his hand, it makes me feel sick. The gulls fought over a sandwich in the road amongst a traffic jam. They didn’t even care.
A top up. I'll have a top up, and a little eye fill over something pathetic. Its raining again, they've just broken the news. It’s a waste of resources. A deadpan evening and chocolate. Heavily pouring. Dinner for one.
You and you and you and not me. Its not me here, with you lot. Im like U-Hu. Stick around, wait, what? You asked my opinion and then said no anyway.

I never really knew robert. I remember his glasses though.

Hormones? Asbestos. Other youngsters lurking, look knowing. I looked in on your laughter, played my instrument all day… 'what is she playing', just my fuckin keyboard. The one I type on. Image check, im in the system. I look tired. The fusion that could have been, you kept them away cos of race, religion whatever. SMALL MINDS, I'd rather not know. Ask the man. Read the headlines, life and style, while away the hours. Fleeing rats less so, open the biscuit tin. I like your voice you know. But your face got too INTENSE when your mind went into overdrive. Or inactivity?????????? Hello. Books all stashed neatly. Storm is over.

Robert is back in society. Can we know eachother?

there's no other way

got a bit of the shakes.
a shakeful of fist, a little white crystal.
a hurricane stare for a burnt little crisp, poor soul left to dry without a kiss.
so march henceforth, i confess to a sin
a sick old trooper just lied to me
and dead birds litter the ground beneath
never did they cease to speak, til the picture was drawn
and the glow was blinding
but yeah, i knew they were lying.
the skin grew red in time, face morphed into what it deserved
the shadows of a former self
squashed along with dead birds

pick it up, its alive!
go throw it in the water
i'll bury me before they get the chance
and bide my time godamn
GODAMMNN
i made a plan
should stop making these plans.

(each day is being 'wasted'.)

EGO UP

how can i speak amongst so many egos. too many egos.
a genious no doubt, all hail, teach and learn. and one up-man-ship flutters in the air, all grateful, all bitter. longing to leave. to gain the attention has come to mean to flatter, spread open and pour vodka. forget your plans, im busy. aint got no time for enthusiasm, shut it, let me float. dipped on the spiked grass i was watched for half hour. i took those spikes to build a guard. adulthood needs some defence. other adults will use you to make them feel better.

"Take care of your self because no one will take care of you" he wrote.

control freak

"Fact-checkers," he says sadly, "have no sense of humour whatsoever."

damn game, hot and cold. tell the heart to stop. chill it out. think of your black square.
think of your spreadsheet, oh the tales it should tell. stories of misguidance, extravagance; and pledge with all your might. yeah, you cancel and we all cheer.
damn child, im careful of what i say cos you could turn on me. see no one trusts anymore.
unfortunately i found myself amongst your dialogue. official uninvited guest. if you could just remove me in your mind, i just cant help but listen to the drivel. my ears prick up independently. a radical amount of quality street, and you censor yourself for me. darling, you simply dont have to.

what have i done?
ive moved along the movie.

summer is 'ere and its fookin fookin buzzin

in the 90's i thought nothing more could be done. it was boring. had all the fashion phases, invented everything, mourned the loss of 80's television and film, lost pleasant summertime and headed off to college. of course, I was only young(er). i hadnt even thought about dying. or that we were spinning on a big rock. that was only the beginning. i remember thinking it was boring. there was a time inbetween that vibe (up in smoke n stuff) and .........nanotechnology! chicken dippers! pollen count, radiation, hoover bags, carbon monoxide detector, polymers, bottled water, 10 euros, soggy tissues, soy sauce, masking tape, snacks, eat half and put it back, half smiles, sweat, and finally... rapid response.

i miss the 80's. being a kid was fun then. now i cant even talk to a kid. awful awkward.
it looks darn nice outside, in an hour and a half i'll be allowed out anyway.

geeaaar its fookin buzzin in ere. phones buss'd like mad, oh i could a chilled white wine. (Please dont talk whilst eating, or stuffing)

tunes
easy star all stars (only in sunshine)
third rock from the sun
martha wainwright
janis
sonic youth-sister

i am not an activist

food is power

industry, industrial faries, head dangle down and feet tied up. Floor removed and poured to an end.
Apathy, too much apathy. It was the first conversation we ever had.
Triangle motion and a grid costs money, you are the reason for this situation and most situations. spied a strife, couldn’t see a way through. They now all queue to talk to a machine but the machine will never reply. Friendly fisherman gone, replaced by recycle bin. Mass harvest spun, millions of nameless faces. Your food is power, its grace and elegance mask the tale. The journey to your table. And they all cheer, they barbeque and the stench of death fills the air. Rotting flesh charred and fed in brazil. Brought a million miles to get to you. Many contradictions, wrong doings and oblivion. Saturday night television and curries. Not a second thought, just to live, just to get on with it. Green tea leaves, chickpeas, spring greens. Everything is guilty. Your food is commitment to a higher number. what selfish love.

Thinly sliced fillet of chicken with Roquefort sauce - Sautéed potatoes
Pork Filet Mignon with Onions - Dauphiné oven baked potatoes
Skate wing with Capers - Steamed potatoes
Burgundy beef Fondue - Lettuce

W.R.O.N.G

whats the fukkin difference?

Pinch of salt please. But read and weep. Canteen is gone, pinch of salt pinch of salt. Grass is tough and something you smoke. Pear juice runs down my arm and bugs swarm. Shelling out cash at yesterday's expense, drink my sorrows but cant quite make it. Money is tight, and the more the tighter, the tramp got greedy, said times were hard. Night goes fast when old and tired.night is dead on its arse. More words would flow had I not choked on awkward air, so sit back and openly stare. I stare back. So drink the journey on its head, escape some more blues. 2 bottles down. Chronic. Competition/Conversation....dead on its arse, dead dead.

stooges, you just ate your last one

Meat meal £10.60, I ate two and felt disgusted just couldn’t stop. Just thinking about meat meals, saturations pouring in. water pouring in you stupid man. Kenny kicked out all his kids. kids starving in the countryside. Silent radio seeping through car roof, waiting in the telephone queue. And George had a feast and kept his wife, her insides rotting and filled. The face she deserved with her unkind words, her time kept wasting. Silent movie played with eerie tune, sipping earl grey next to dark full moon. Her bitter taste kept them guessing. Next to the window a cornflake girl reading the headlines, latest from cruel world. This is your nurse here, ive come to help. Ive come to listen to your deathly fears. This is your nurse, I kindly soul, and such a wonder I exist yeah? I just have to exist to soothe you. Makes me glow yeah.
I could never eat meat again, gone all creative under tunsten lighting. Come to me with messages.
Breaktime peach. Gone to the bank. This is your captain, I will steer your lost soul. This is you soaking, mites passing within, a drum roll please. I deserve at least one of those, don’t i?
Like the child you
Said bye, it was strange to see.
Ran as fast away just like you
Sever, sever and protect.
Holiday at once in humidity rising
Whilst I am collapsing in silence
And at dawn your song played.
(Compassion wasted on you when you don’t even care)
Handsome ugly ginger giant
Wept into a newspaper tissue
At stories told of ancient riot
The lies gleaming from glowing screen
His lies caught the sun.
Quiet iron man, and spinach.

temptation

Order from the workforce request.
Upstairs, downstairs. Swallowing co2. leave on time. Goose pimpled, setting clean, making new slates. Wine gums, cookies, always insisting we do this, we do that. Bark like efficient dogs, cry like brats. Take time back cos it aint running out quick enough right now. It seems so hot and feels so cold, I warm near the oven and watch by the window. Sounding like a piece of tin, the effort of getting out the in; and including the feelings of the whole world it seems on my shoulders; in my brain. Unopened book just sitting there. dust is filling the room, and my lungs. Unopened anwers. A man given into guilt, publicly embarassed, he did what he was told. He was bad. He went red on the television.
The joy disappeared, we were fitted with chips and pinned down. We ate chips to fill our arteries with junk, will their beds fill quick enough. Will their hearts turn cold on us? Its already freezing. When the smiles crack it seems so wonderful, we are reassured and humble. We are alone in our minds and we don’t even realise. I cannot even see outside these eyes. Really. I only see myself in you.
See I started far too late and I kept it all inside.

Music:

jimi hendrix let the good times roll
can halleluwja
white wedding
pig will not
you cant quit me baby
..and we dont wanna fight tonight... du du du

downwards go

Look down as you climb and you wont see the fall, a courageous move or a downward turn. Arrived yesterday to impress you all with a smile that went a whole long way. But secretly I always knew my moves wouldn’t pay off. I stuck my foot right in and you watched me squirm. I left defeated, a downward turn.
Woman you mooch around your showroom and like a moth, sitting by the lights to feed your need for entertainment. You had no time for us cos you gave it all to childhood. Woman, you did dream of pretty clothes, your girls in high heels with a gentleman. Weird overcame them and guilt burned til they couldn’t speak, and the silence was sickening. The last one left, slammed the door hard. Slammed the door on all of them. But the guilt was still burning.
So Friday comes and I'll go to pour drink in my face until I cant remember why I came. And why the summer is always colder. Well, I tried to impress you all and now I have to let it go. The bus was full of young screams, digital cameras, on their way to the city. The bag was full of organic apples, dog biscuits. Kids running from dogs, dogs in trucks. I was scared of the dogs.
I wont talk to the woman, there really is no use. Just carry on smiling, and drinking at the weekend.

I'm lovin it

Hell
I'm loving it
but a shameful scam you showed our kids
they cried into their fastfood
it was yesterday's news

a silent river for silent killer
and a hammer came down
with no where to run
we taunted all day
until it was done

damn chillis
they aint even hot
and go
cos i can bearly wait
rich bean
you get a job
get some clothes together
or perish in this stormy weather

THE MISSING LINK
IN THIS BIG OL' CHAIN
IS A BIG OL' STAIN
LIKE YOU

oh miss i am
i'm stronger than this
and i'll go to the end
still making that wish

amen brother amen

PJ Harvey havin a dance

Wonderful wommmannn and band

budget day and then some

(so a small comment on money man... and as a bonus pink floyd are on the radio as i type.. highlight of a day)
darling man stands next to sitting sleeping pig face, bellowing money orders of the day. obviously its all up up up. bad news for smokers, intoxicators, the usual. you've got until midders to get the drinks in, piss it all up and then you'll have to pay.. in brain power amongst others. dismay i suppose. but its all worthless, a game we've all bought. you can even get handouts. and i dont want to be political. just another doomsday reading.

and also, some words from my canteen spot, whilst all this was occuring, a parallel thought process occured.

you came over to me all abrasive
tiresome anger i was faced with
punished by your insecurities
your lack of compassion
for a girl like me

AND OUTSIDE WAS BRIGHT
BUT INSIDE WAS GLOOMY ( A reoccurance)

He thought of me without juice
Keeps him up at night
We never grew
We just got stunted
& stunned shortly after birth
slashed open with kitchen knife
(Absolutely)
Grey like your heart
Get your rocks off
get your money off

get out of here

muscle down gentleman
n blonde quaint companion
tell you with this in mind
my little boy ricky at dawn tired sitting
run from unwanted home
and not spend no money
poooor little ricky, he strong
he twisted your judgement
cos he opened his mouth
a chickpea on chicken farm
opening their mouths
i tell you with this in mind
tapping out code
and spying new faces, new little girls
i read about yesterday
i saw the whole world

stutter when read aloud

i wanna be like that

scary cliffs in ireland felt like an earth's edge spiked with razor. katie jane garside singing aLONGSIDE stella vine...

excentral tempest

holy shit i am totally blown away by this woman... was reeling the whole way home. beautiful, passionate, positive. want more. excited to hear her band too. spread the word.

top7

1. dude ranch nurse-sonic youth
2. aladdin sane-bowie
3.all of the fragile-NIN
4. moonlight sonata-beethoven
5. deflect-leila
6. like a drug-desert sessions
7. pharoah -miles davis

6 policemen and 2 civilians were killed

get into the groove

bitchy bully brazen bully crazy, but its never too late. drizzle leads to a furnace, a stuffy shed full of yellow light. eyes swollen from last night. breathe has sunken, remind machinery to continue without concentrating too much. all ears, all ears waiting for a minutes silence. all tired, all tired, waiting for that minute's silence. swing violent, swing strong, swing until we dont get along. drizzle leads to fire and the fire burns. fire turns me into ashes and sends me home.
her eyes of steel lure me into the next twenty years. get into the groove. get into the box. the remains in your march paycheck.

dance

and a new collab with chrx. it reminded me of a fruit salad at first.

Peggy Holder

so bitchy
i could have sworn him in
taken his sword collection
and given her attention
but i had to grieve and and listen to her problems
all the while mine burned in my chest
and i leant more to the right, and thought i was right
but probably self righteous.
totally snapped but avoided an issue close to my bones
easily turned to the avoided if you can t see over your shoulder
pay notice to america's sensation or watch the ends of hair
i close the front door, picture the scene as it was before
and the pathway, the one im trying to escape
fighting gravity and sipping water cooler, greeting the old man again
hearing conversations and losing patience
too bored to talk, too predictable
for last night the whole world froze over, and thawed again
while i watched in birdseye view - the cars going round the track
but woke to alarm call and a whole new day
in a place where grey population had gone away

and when's that party?

(six days)
i know her from photographs, in my mind she's a flat image. thats all she'll ever be
the day was dimming. the tears in his eyes were invisible to me...
so i left on an effortless train
hours of talk and the sun heads down
the conversations held by yourself, you sad old man
the bright lights of the city only burn for so long
a woman in her own right, still pushed around

i thought of bland ben, and his
'my dad says thats just the way it is'
and pictured him at the desk still
and again outside park end

then i thought of bernie - in a frog jumper drinking IPA
he could be dead now, and maybe junkie graham too
i thought of mad matt, burnt to a crisp
and skinny patsy proclaiming lambing season
and appleton starting fights
and googles in paranoid drive

remember gerry, his putrid smell
and the boy who dipped crisps in blackcurrent squash.
ray his eyes piercing in apathetic air
perverted eddie, now dead and buried
the man with the sack of drugs waiting
and the red fox at the train station.

ticker tape for my BPM
it beats a little faster
im definitely off the baseline
its just a matter of time

if you want money
you will have money
if you want a house
you will have a house
if you want a car
you will have a car
if you want to die
you will die

all the nobody people

all in mexican wave grass, pushed along by tail wind. self councilling and lonely, i saw a face in the darkness, behind my eyelids. i thought i wasnt asleep.
your body was in the bath, your skin was yellow. i stayed awake hoping it wasnt so, trying not to slip off into the unknown. photographs stapled to my brain, unable to remove the stain. grey lunches, 28 years down the line. escape while you can, go sleep in the bath. take a morning dose, ignore a motormouth, ignore a moron. when the desire overcame me i was unable to get out. pounding heart, sweaty palms, cant take it no more.

after a lttle work im not quithe there yet.. someones on the telophone.. i got all distracted. so much to be done before the 'show'. does anyone care?

everyday after work i walk down a tremendous hill, i can see over the city and a high horizon. i wish i could get my colours to look like that. sometimes i have to take photographs. ive included some for your pleasure.

what's wrong with your face?

i let her down

with 3 uneaten potatoes on 3 trays, how are you all still overweight? in this lunchtime feeding hole i get surrounded by age, empty lives. yeah im a spy, what else can i do? tune into the silent television? i had a filing cabinet moment where i stopped and realised that it was my scene. and i thought of little me, she never would have wanted to end up here. where did she imagine she would be? i think i let her down. we are all still kids, pretending to be grown ups. i spy their awkward converations, man lunches with knives and forks clinking so loudly through the grey. i loathe. and the elderly, well they waited their whole lives to be sickly, they seem to love every minute. dosed up on meds, getting all that attention. see them through to their death. quite affected today.

plonked into multiple melting pots, each day our eyes meet. look away fast of course. " im not sure im following what you are saying anymore", he said. and he was just being honest. thrown into the melting pot, left to boil, like there are so many more appealing options to be bitter about. i checked the other catagories on offer, shuddered at the thought of a 'choice' in the matter. thank the great ones. it can only mean more calories and fewer movements. nice to know there's more trash in the ocean. in the pot you may come across a colourful bunch. here i waste to much time, time is life. life is leaving. englishness. are they all in love with this melting pot? are we all congealed together, grey goo bubbling to the surface, only to be fished out and discarded. as meaningless and pointless as when we first went in..........